While working on laptop in my room at 6.33PM , suddenly my cell buzz with call of person , a familiar one so without a second second delay I just picked up call. The person ask me to come out so we can go on long drive and at the end we can enjoy coffee and pasta( which is my favorite) .
But I mention that i will took some time to change the dress, as im in pajamas right now. But in romantic way that person told me that im perfect in every look, and I smiled and without a moment delay just took my cellphone and run towards main door . As I open the door mr. perfect one with perfect smile waiting for me outdoor in car. I just followed his instruction and sit in car.
Just like my speed , the car speedily run towards main road and within 10 second we left our known living area and now following the path which is complete dark and lovely music is running on recorder with low voice. There is never formality between us, so its never matter that we greet on first look or we are in good looks or not.
What important is when we want to enjoy outdoor environment, we just come along and drive for hours and hours with very less communication . Only discuss about how we spend our day, like how everything is going on or something challenging or new. Generally we sit quietly and enjoy music, special prefer to sing together, nothing else.
In all this long discussion in inner me, I have not realize that we have reach to our regular destination , where first we order coffee and then move towards our regular sitting place. Place which is best , and its difficult to describe that how actually it better than all usual , busy places.
The place facing river on one side and other side busy city lighting look. This place in on my priority as by being here you can make good comparison that why its right choice . The whole day busy schedule , can literally make you fall for this place .
While sitting on bench and seeing this view with no rush and voice zone , I can clearly see stars and even feel every vibe of passing air. One hand with cup of coffee and one side you can put your head on shoulder of your best buddy, the reason why you are here and can enjoy this beautiful scene. I think this last routine of day complete your each day positively .
And suddenly I heard the music line , which exactly define this scene.
ख्वाबी ख्वाबी सी लगती है दुनिया
आँखों में ये क्या भर रहा है
मरने की आदत लगी थी
क्यों जीने को जी कर रहा है
पहले तो बेगानी नगरी में
हमको किसी ने पुछा न था
सारा सेहर जब मान गया
तो लगता है क्यों कोई रूठा न था
सजदे बिछावां वे
and than on next moment i realize that this song have other lines too, which exactly define my current situation and i can say LOL to myself.
एक ख़्वाब ने आँखें खोली हैं
क्या मोड़ आया है कहानी में
Because im still in my room with my laptop on and i feel that i can imagine anything.
Life is too unfair sometime, the person who named as “Basanti” of group now left unspoken with words. Though I pronounced as person who can speak nonstop, but internally I know that I am introvert kind of person who can do chatter batter but only with very close person. But now the time arrive when my lines are broken even with family member too. May be its fault of your adult age where you are no longer a person , whom with you are familure from long time.
Today I watched again harry potter movie scene where it termed as harry is no longer kid now and that sign come up with death of his owl pet. I never owned any pet , but I too start to feel like my inner kid is also no longer with me and now I am complete mature person now. The age when you start to worry about your future as well as for earlier passed time. This maturity is start killing you inside , when you are growing too, but you are worried because your parent are getting older. You are stressed because might be you are drowned in thought of non achievement of parent dreams .
I don’t know that it happened with every person , or it just me who is too much anxious. Some time I thought that beginning was never right or too wrong but what could be possible now. After passing of grandfather I realiaze that I am no longer child now and with every passing day, distance between what I dreamt earlier and whats happening around is, increasing .
Last night everything was damn perfect , Night out with siblings where you have perfect outdoor planning Sizzling food, cool pool , mild music , green grass deam lighting and no hassle of hectic city life schedule. But if you are still missing something from inside then nothing can be done for you. I was the first person who is eagerly waiting for this kind of outing and even convinced some of them but again it can be me who could be party spoiler. But mature me know how to pretend to be happy and enjoying, so I don’t show anyone that I am just acting for everything.
Now im really scared that I can harm myself with excess thought or may be Im thinking right way as at this age you need someone who can support you with your weakness and it can be like by right person entry your weakness just become your perfection. My mind always denied with what my heart need , actually at every single moment im witnessing battle between mind and heart and till this time mind is winner with full support. But this year 2021 witness something new that mind is winner but heart is no longer at failure.
This 2021 is life changing year because I come up with so many new chapter which were lying inside me and don’t even i realized. The chapter of “ what I want “ and “ what will make me happy from inside” and I hope one day I would be able to make myself truly happy soul not pretending to be happy and out of all this , one is definitely this – Writing . you can write everything whats in your head , so this is only for me and its my time, my personal time.
Happy Bird – Part 2
Happy bird is actually happy , its not possible to define actual reason for happiness but there is something which make me completely happy and I think basically its because why I am able to do what I want do, that is writing. I can freely play with my words just like a bird, who is always free to sing when it want too, without any restriction. For me writing is no doubt a happiness.
But I want to modify it by adding some good replacement of hammock ,garden mild music and natural air. Which is at present not possible, but if all goes well as I planned then soon I can implement it too. Im drooling between thoughts of what could possible for me and what is I never can have in my lifetime because its reflect where from you belong , where you come from and specially what surround you at present or in future.
For some instance I don’t want to remember , that who actually I am and what are possibility for my future but I want to consider more n more about how I want everything just like a happy bird. Happy bird never worry about next day and never even think who will cause danger but keep enjoying singing. So let me do the same, let me flow with music which is playing in background.
How a bird is always free to decide anything for himself , the same I want for myself without getting worried that it would have cons to . why everybody wants everything to be biased on the basis of outcome . I would like to work in new way were always a excitement is there of anything could be possible. I don’t want to remember that we are living in that zone where dreams have no place but you have to do everything what is already decided . You are never allowed to break the chain but bound to repeat everything how its done by others .
I would find my own way because if I come so far without falling than I have guts to go more and even I am ready to accept failure too. I know for this all thrill , I’m bit late but my energy meter is running with full power so I will not go back and not even let anyone to overpower my thoughts. Delay is acceptable because you cant take risk in this world that you are searching true love without having financial stability and I think I have overcome that phase of my life so now i’m free for this chapter without any barrier.
Happy Bird -3
At first there is always fear of falling down ,but once you cross the level of understanding that your goal is everything to you and nothing else will make you happy and give peace to your heart . Than that time your all fear fly away and now you have no longer fear of falling down . The happy bird is also ,loose her all fear and ready to fly and with full of here courage she raised her wings for first self depended ride.
Ready to meet new challenges , she knows that no one would be there to support her and now she can not look for anyone familiar possibilities but this is something for which she is waiting for all her life. Her first take off is so refreshing and soothing , every breezing take her to dream life . It is what she looking all her life , music with full of melody , no more restriction .
This happy bird searching for a place where all other would be similar to her and no more benchmark for living would be there. This journey will bring her special one , for whom she is searching with full of her effort and not meet yet. Because till now who ever she met is looking for not partner but a filler so just like name it is always for filling the space as per need of time. And emotions are just waste thing in world and always meant to be tarnish and ended to waste bin.
Happy Bird-4 ; Thoughts Ruins You
“Thought ruins you.
Ruins the situation, twist things around, makes you worry and makes everything just worse than it actually is.”
Your thoughts can land you in your dream situation, in just a moment and its only thought which can bring you back at that place where you never ever imagine. So actual hero of your life is your thoughts and you would never ever realize it. I’m too even like this, I was thinking that nobody can restrict me now from doing anything but your thoughts make you victim that you itself start to refrain yourself.
Somehow everything turned out in such way that my whole planning for future is now no longer same as I planned for two days earlier. The happy bird was on her way to meet its dream place but just a blink everything look clear like clouds were never there. Like the bird just wake up from her dream and whatever earlier seems her to be happiness could be actually a worst situation for life time.
For me that evening was very blessed and my thoughts pass a judgment that nothing is better can this . Peaceful aura of combination of evening , river bank , bird returning to home and prayer from nearby temple . Everything is just like perfect and I decided that this is the only best thing for me. Friends, River , giggles and away from family responsibility , restriction but I was totally incorrect.
One thing I always believe that you can learn from your every day and from each person . Yesterday I learn a big lesson for my lifetime and it mades me different person even add a new point to my characteristics and by this morning when im recalling it, I feel like I definitely need this lesson. Yesterday was special day as two of my friend were celebrating their birthday and just like other year we all gather at one place. We all get together and plan for outing, cut cakes and hang out basically main Moto is to spend time together and to create beautiful memories for lifetime. But with passing of time each individual is getting busy in their life mean their priority is changing and it happened.
I even believe in same thing that priorities for people changes with time and so do i .But celebrating birthday is the only way is to spend time with friends especially in current pandemic. you can be child again for some time. by this way you can take break from your regular routine life . I went there at bday person’s home, we cut the cake and then some short outing . I am not so much cheerful person but more introvert pattern person so I’m connected with only two to three person actually only two. Moreover this was the reason, my special friend, I bunked my work and decided to spend whole day with all.
Yesterday was special because my thought always forced me to believe that with this special bestie I can break my silence and could even take risk of living alone for life time , because some friends are for lifetime. And one serious point I know about her is that she is best for me like care , protection, spending time , long conversation , roaming around city, at last you can feel light with her. but she too have some priority and in friends group not even me but each individual comes after this bday person, who’s birthday we are celebrating today and This is actually damn true , which I even realize after this last day incident .
Because of this corona pandemic time we are running short at time and soon everything would be closed whether its cake shop or restaurant, so we are in hurry . My this bestie informed to other two of friends to bring cake, and that to of specific format, cake which is favorite of both this bday boy and my beastie because I don’t think that I have any kind of priority in cake . I am comfortable with anything which is made of chocolate flavor. But for her cake to be of specific flavor, some chocochips format, specific design , but because of time issues those person whom she instructed to bring cake , could not purchase it.
But bday person , whom for she is planning everything is also with us , and he was the one who suggest us to try for some other shop which are near by , luckily we find a place ,a bakery shop , which was just on 100m distance . Place was really good because we already find a bakery shop and that to near a small restaurant , but that we have not finalize for not even cake and restaurant. So we three to four girls went inside the bakery shop to look for cake. But she could not find her choice cake , so she just came out from there, but we rest 3 were inside and clicking selfie without even knowing that we are not buying anything from there.
So as the time we get to know that we are sitting idol ,so we three even stand up to come out from there one by one and I am in the mid of three of girls to came out from shop . and I already mention that this is corona partial lockdown period , so shop owner turned down half shutter of shop . Because of that the one girl who’s walking before me lift shutter bit more with her hand and drop it down withouting paying attention that I am just behind her. As she droped it , the shutter brusted on my shoulder and im completely clueless that what just happened.
The situation was just like , I loss my control and girl after me help me to sit down. And rest everyone was surrounded me and asking me that did it hurt much or am I in normal condition or not. I was in terrible pain , my eyes were full of tears and cant decide that what should I say and how to react . But what I can see at that time , is that my besti is ruuning towards in opposite direction of me. To catch a friend who is just come there on his bike , and just went away with him on his bike to purchase that exact flavor cake for which she is struggling to brought for birthday person.
She even did’nt take a moment to ask me that am I ok or not , though I was surrounded by number of person and they all were papempring me and asking me that do I need something. One of my friend helping to moving my hand and shoulder just to check that may be it could medical emergency situation but what hurting me most is that whom im considering my best friend is just left me in pain for sake of cake. For that girl cake is only important thing at that time not me. The girl whom with I spend whole day, and who is very well aware that im there at place because of her and she could not even take a moment to check my heath and condition.
Even though situation was not that critical , but for me staying there is just like passing a year . We stayed there for one more hour we cut the cake and they played game too but I was not there because I was busy in collecting broken pieces , pieces of last some month planning and opinion. I want to run away from there , anywhere but that’s not my place.
Autumn 