I was running , very fast and regularly without paying attention to where i am heading too. But just going and going for one more mile with a never ending search of real me . But i never know that i would never ever able to find, because i loose it in beginning.
I was the culprit and at the same time victim too but never realize that what i have done is never ever give me chance to restore it back on first phase.
At very first when you are in phase of hurry to make everything perfect . You become so involved in yourself that never get a single moment to realize that it would never be the same . There would be definitely a time when you regret for everything.
And let me mention here , that i completely accepting everything . I am here accepting my fault of making every bad decision for myself. I can take complete charge of things that no other person is here responsible for my current stage . Its me always who was so indulge in creating a picture perfect frame that today i cant even recognize me, that how beautiful and real everything was.
I regret from my steps and decisions.
I never considered myself , never ask that is that what i asked for .
Never took out time for my own. I was so confident with every drawn lines that never pay attention that it someday it will become complete prison for me. I was so busy in creating perfectionist that never try to accept reality of life. Because reality is in being natural and that was my biggest mistake ever.
I picked up my phone when the ringer tune buzzed loudly on it.
” Hey , i get my bus and i’ll call you later.” this line i hear from other side on my cellphone .
“Ok good and have safe journey” that was all i can reply in that short span of call. Everything passed in so hurriedly that , nothing else popup in mind at that time.
But i think i was wishing to say something else, like ” Please dont go , i care about you . I love your presence and specially I Love You.”
And i want to hear same thing from you that ,” you do have same place in your life for me as i have.”
You care about me always .
“Together we spent some good days and some amazing moments.”
You were busy in packing your bag and i noticed that you have decided to left me here alone again . We were so busy these days that i didn’t even pay attention that this time you stay longer than other days. I think these days were so pretty that i forgot complete that one day you have to go again and i will be left all alone here just like my random days.
When you touched your bag than i come to know that we are not like normal other couple who stay away occasionally but we are more occasionally stayed up together.
Please dont feel offended but i start to like my aloneness. I fall in love with this. Because here i feel more self loved person when you are not around. Its like we walk together in night to walk up together in morning.
Now i find reason that why time passed so fast, its not because i enjoyed it but because i want it to end as soon as possible. So when you were not around i can be me again.
I want to apologize that im saying this ,” But truly you irritate me every time for every single thing” . How you can be so depended on me when we are always stayed up on distance and just like me you have to do all your routine task by your own. Than why every minute when you are here , i become your caretaker person.
My all peaceful palace become war zone, because when i can hear is all your voice , calling me every time to do things for you. Tide up your bed and than your clothes making food for you arranging schedule for you , but not a single time i can expect anything from you.
My whole day just become a race zone where i keep on running without reaching anywhere. You dont even take a moment to ask me, how my life is going on. How i am passing my days and what are the thing which kept me busy these days.
You never bother to ask me, ” Are my days are going good?”
You never feel my presence and never ask me, ” is something good about my life too?”
“Hey bring my towel from roof, i forgot it there”, this line broke my silent conversation and i run towards terrace and hurriedly hand over your towel to you. You just took it from hand without any eye contact.
Ziped up your bag and sit in drawing room area. I thought you have some time left for cab arrival ,so prepared coffee for both of us, sorry i forgot to ask . As when i call you for coffee and move cup towards you , ” i dont want it now” the only response i received from your side.
I feel bit awkward to ask you again , as you look so busy with your cellphone.
For fifteen minutes we were both sitting in same room , but with complete silence and finally silence broke with call of cab person from outside and you just blink your eyes and left the room without waiting for any response.
What all i can do is to just sit there in same pose with full of silence but completely self oriented environment .
Life is full of surprises , like who can say that i can skip birthday of my special one , mine baby niece. I love her so much , always prefer to get some time for her, even if i totally busy. This year on sixth December she is turning five and im not attending birthday party and even its not like that i am busy or i have to complete some specific urgent task. I staying at my home, It just i prefer to stay at home.
I love her so much that on last of her four birthdays i planned special things from my end. even if i was lagging at time or running out at money. And just like other years i planned for this year too but i couldn’t make it possible. As earlier years I already purchase gift for her , which she already collected . we are so connected that as soon as she come to know that i had bought something for her, the very same day she came at my place took all those gift. Actually i love her this attitude , that obvious she can rule my heart, after all she is the only one.
But with this all affection and special love bond, im not attending her birthday party, may be she miss me or may be she will not. How its possible , because she would be busy in dancing, eating , enjoying and specially opening her all gift boxes , and specially she just turn five today , so definitely she cant be able to realize that im not present there.
But with this passing time you should get habitual that you will not be always important in someone life, it would be for very short time. Because with the time everyone is changing and there preferences too. And its definitely not for others , im also changing . I still cant even realize , that today i take this decision to satay at home. where i have full opportunity to go out with mom and dad . So if I was with mom , now i would be eating cake of birthday party or if i opted to go out with dad than i would be enjoying delicious wedding dinner. But i denied both and opted my own company , The Alone one company .
But i think this option is best, because yes im making regret for cake and wedding sweet but at least for coming day i will continue with fresh mind with zero stress . Because last day i attended wedding event too, but neither i enjoyed that environment not the food, specially I had cold and fever last night because of these chilled winter.
Autumn 