December 2

Before you demand anything from others, learn to be honest with yourself. Have the courage to accept that you were the one killing all your dreams. So by this year end , i have decided to do what i like most, things which makes me happy. 

     So on this 2 December with full of courage i decided to took part in random party , which have something like open theater and after party along with one of my friend because individual would be not good choice. But as always it turned out completely different that what i thought.

Deep down you always know what’s best for you, you can sense when to leave a person or place because you are just being used, you realize when you did wrong and when you were wronged yet just stay in your comfort zone and keep things as they are, your brain will play tricks on you. You will make great excuses to convince yourself not to start working, give a another chance.

  Because nothing happened as i imagined like to meet new person, spend time in different environment , create new memories. Yes memories, i created but that too of non stop blaming game that why it turned out this way with me.  

 My friend had some work that day , so we have been late at there around nine something and the first thing we encounter was nothing but a completely different zone. weird thoughts of being alien at there. Like we are thirties  and seeing twenties kids there. 

 But we acted like , nothing matters to us. We were just here to enjoy so keep going. But the first game they invited us to take part  “truth & dare”. With bit of hesitation and by silent consent to each other we just go with the flow. But just after a moment we become speechless. 

   There “truth task” includes relationship question and “dare” is to propose someone. And i opted is to “RUN”.

 Other activity was there is of  open theater . So i sighed and thought now everything would be on track. The selected movie is  Rockstar . My friend is not okay with this, as she have already watched it many times. She told me that its 2012 movie and thanks to my decision at last in year 2023 im watching it finally. Let me tell you that im not a movie person but at that time it was still okay for me. though i watched only half part.

 My main focus was to be there and to meet new people, but here also i disappointed my self and could not make effort to communicate even to person. There was a person who just sitting next to me on same bench but i cant make any effort. And the whole movie ended like this.

Stand tall against the lies your brain might want to throw at you. You will meet enough people in your life who will say one thing but their actions won’t match. You will meet a lot of people who are going to lie you. While you cannot control how others treat you, you can learn to be honest with yourself. 

Then at last i thought food would be good , but here they disappointed me . 

Dance , my whole survival is because of dance, so i thought this is point where i can feel proud about myself. at least with this activity i can enjoy and for sometime can forget everything what is going on in my life at present . The one activity which can help you heal your inner pressurize person. But with great disappointment i have to say that my friend dont like to dance, so i couldn’t . 

So with full of courage at one thirty of night we decided to get back to our home. That last no made me so powerful that i dont care we were girls and with taking risk with google direction decided to leave  place at this darkest hours of night . 

When we left the place everything was good and with attitude of bold females ever. But soon after we stared driving our whole thoughts get change. Because the road was totally dark and no one was there. and my friend was kept saying that she is scared and asking me how im feeling. But at that time i acted strong and says that whatever would be scene but will keep going , rather than my inner self was so scared and praying to GOD .

  Than after effort of half n hour approx. we find main road to city but again with good luck , it started raining heavily. But we were not in any situation to stop anywhere because of risk and time. So we decided to look for hotel , so in December month we can save ourselves.  

We are girls who never booked hotel in day time but circumstances turned out where we have to find hotel at this hours. Finally we find one hotel , but let me that scene was too memorable because when we reached hotel , even staff was sleeping . So when we knock them they all were glaring us like we had committed any crime.  

   Not even they but my inner soul was also in shock that what i have done. But soon after when we enter in our room i get relaxed because that’s how i am always . Completely messy n confused. 

There was tornado of thoughts, that why i have done this all. Can’t i be more practical to face the situation rather than running away from there. How would explain to mom and dad or its better to hide this all from them. But it wouldn’t be a good choice because they trust me a lot. How would i erase this all from mind . Because this is something which i should not done. This kind risk could end me in bad situation .

  I completely trying to get relaxed at the moment but mind was against that . It kept me busy with different thoughts without any break just one after another.

We are always busy like this. One task after another. One thought after another. One visual after another. The cycle never ends. We never take a pause to reflect on who we are becoming, what we are losing, what we are thinking, or what our thought process is. When you are just taking outside information without thinking about what you are consuming, you end up doing , thinking and becoming like surroundings . And then you complain about why you are like this.

Morning thoughts

This morning when im ready for my yoga class, suddenly i got message for cancellation of class and i feel like this feeling is of different level of getting cancellation message for class specially when you are fully ready to go. Like when i was kid and school teacher mentioned
for holiday because of some specific reason , is something different . This feeling of extra holiday is like blessing and i enjoyed it today as well. So why not to use this for my specific routine of writing and more like spending time with me.

Though I’m sitting with my mom and dad everything as usual like always, enjoying tea then some regular discussion but my mind is struggling with number of thoughts specially that last conversation which i had with my brother . That was very casual conversation but i take it too much serious , as he thinks that I’m taking burden by my own of family responsibility , and there is no such existence of responsibilities and he definitely follow up for his duty but that with some time. But i feel like , am i the one who is literally making situation to be difficult .

May be its true somewhere , because destiny blessed me with more love than my sibling , as im staying with family and working form home , living dream life , enjoying best time of my life. Like who in this world got the chance to stay at home always , and who is the one who got always support from mom and dad always. But does this good always or may be some time you start to feel prisoned with your own boundary. Its not that , i am against this whole thing but some time i need space , the me time.

Im type of person who wakes up early in morning , follow yoga routine and than prayers with mom and dad, and do all those things which make my mom and dad happy. Most probably i always try to stay happy and talkative with family but some time i too wish to stay alone , walks alone , being quiet for some moment and wants to do rebellious and stupid activity . But those all would definitely not like by parents and make them feel like im not too good child. But what can you do with your heart , which is always in battle with your mind.

From last of some time i feel like that there is something missing in life but i never know what it is. But yesterday i realize that fun moment is never there in my life. Because when you start to act as elder with special benchmark of be in line format , you will forgot yourself too. But definitely random person and specially same age person company is make you feel wow, who can let you feel special and let you forget all your regular problems for some time.

When i decided to be part of that night out plan, i was not sure that i would be able to continue for long and my expectation for staying there was only for max to max mid night , but i was wrong. Because beginning was too adventurous for me, because i the one who drive by herself to there at destination. This is no doubt a big start for me because driving by own is good and specially when there is one person sitting behind you. Finally with gps and best buddy support , because only she can have courage to sit behind me.

Than something was very normal , like me the introvert person , who speak less. Just after greeting with other friend i become same , the person who is lost in crowd . I can follow my regular routine of staying quiet and than staying away from photos , not eating anything habit and than finally being boring person as usual. But i did not plan anything , it just happen.

At last all friends arrived and we are having bit chit chat, and raining outside and mild music , everything is good. Then time arrives for dinner and i was thinking , why ?

But i can stayed up like as always , my fake laugh and mind with full of thoughts about past and future , and those two are making my present nothing but worst and im helpless because now i become used to this all. When all are cracking jokes by remembering memories about last some dinner nights, and me the one with complete fake smile , as i never taste anything at any place.

That time i realize , how this whole night will pass . How i will got power to stayed up all night with pretending to be mingle with all though my mind is somewhere else. But one thing is true that i was in love with that place. If i would be single person on that place i would definitely can stay up there long time. I don’t know what i would do but my preference is for yes.

we were all sitting at common enjoyining room which is on terrace place and some other groups too were there, but for me my own group is too like strangers. There was birthday celebration of random girl, all sung birthday song for her and i dont know why i cant be part of that. I was quiet and dont even make effort to wish and greet her. But rest other all were not even wished her, but not take a minute to become friend of her and i the one who even cant be friend of someone after years and years.

watercolor painting of night sky with crescent moon among stars and clouds, hand drawn landscape illustration

Just after cake cutting ceremony all start dancing with loud music, and those all person so extrovert that they were so comfortable to dance with strangers. But in that hostel too rules are there. Just after particular time period you cant play loud music, so dance was definitely not possible. So when one person from our group was requested to sing , then that night becomes music show . Just with some random singing by every individual , and that was the first time after a big leap in my life , when i sing and i cant believe that i was the one who got compliment from every individual . Everyone there mentioned me that i should make approach in music field too.

But that was not my zone, because i dont like crowd .I easily accepted that fact because within same time frame i understand that ,though i have talent of showing unique from crowd but my inner soul  is always similar and that happened too. In morning around 5 when i  was standing alone in gallery because i cant sleep at unknown place. Thinking about something and suddenly when my friend knock me behind my back, i cant explain how i stop my tears from rolling down my face.