Its 17th April And I am Missing you

 Its 17th April…

          almost 14 years have been passed , and every single day i feel like it was just yesterday when we have telephonic conversation and you teach me the way to prepare poha for lunch. Let me tell you im still very bad at cooking and its all your fault , you never allow me to cook than how i can be like you . The perfectionist , and in every field.

   But truly i miss you a lot , and my whole day passed like this when my inner is in full conversation with you . I am not aware about others, but i never find any new specific turning point which could allow me to forget you. Though we do not any specific memory for your birthday celebration, but these are some days which i cant forget till my life. April is your birthday month, every time when a new year start, i can count on fingers that what i have to do special in individual months, march for brother, June for younger sis , July for dad and this 17th April is all yours.

      Happy Birthday Dear! im sending you this wishes that wherever you are , please stay happy, keeps on doing great things.

When you were with me, i never realized that one day i had to be spent like this. The day i lost you to till today i cant stop myself to find my mistakes, that why i was not with you at that time and why i was so helpless to stop this tragedy to be happen. But as saying, you cant control destiny.

Last night when i was walking , everything just pop up in mind just like flashback. Our all moments…

Moments when we played together , laugh together special fights. 

Moments that how you were good at everything…like i never admit but you were a perfect person. Today when im of thirty plus , i am unable to manage everything, like you did in your twenties. But at that time i never appreciate you and to your support. I  took everything so granted that today my whole life becomes a regret.

I miss you a lot and wishes for your wellbeing….

Now i changed a lot….

My appearance….i totally resemble you my left potrait exactly like you. People from family and relatives mentioned number of time. That i look just like you. But only different is that im bit heavier and short than you…yeah yeah i know you were like model personality good height and properly maintain. And you know why im not like you because i never made any effort to do so…as i am waiting for that some day i will hear your voice calling me…”motto”

I really miss your voice and specially those moments when you shout once at me and later on without any second start to correct it  . 

This lines pop up the scene of mine past time  math sum mistake. You did my homework and i copied it , that too completely upside down and my math teacher find out easily. But i am born lucky , because he did not say anything but also  teach me the way to do sum. Because he knows you, the elder person in my own school.

I still miss your that blue saree look, you know i try to recreate that look but i failed. Because no one can be perfect like you. You were beautiful and you will be always my only beautiful saree person, no one can be like you.

Not even physical appearance but emotionally also , i started to become like you. Now i wont expect anyone to help me trying to be completely independent. Rather than i just do my side task and forget about it. Things are still out of control , but i worry less about making them in perfect way. I just do it , without waiting for judgement and opinions of other. 

My first book gift was from you and now in this april month i made my first book purchase.

Im reading a book these day …just purchased it for my own wellbeing…and it has one line ” dont waste your time on small things , rather than keep on moving. If you wont make it right, at least you will learn something in new and might be in future you can something better and different with this experience .”

Just like you , i started  to avoid any kind of gathering , specially the known one. Actually way of thinking changed on such level , it does not match with anyone. I am not looking anyone to get married and settle because i think im doing great at this time. Moreover im still counted as expert in creating mess of life. And now no one is there who can clear mess, unlike earlier. So let’s leave it.

I miss you , every time when we prepare tea at 4:00 in afternoon. It feel like you could be here any moment and we will have it together with full of gossips and laughter therapy. 

Every single day i planned to do something different in life which can make my life healthier but at the end of the idea burst out just like any regulars soap bubble. This is third time in year when i purchase gym membership but you know me, i have number of excuse to run away from this. 

Hey…why can’t i start my own gym, so there i can be punctual else it will be always a dream for me. I feel awkward in crowded place. I keeps on murmuring that how can people be like this level fitness conscious. I can’t even workout for ten minutes. 

Just like those earlier days when i can run to you, say anything , share anything. I waiting again for same time. The whole day pass, but i cant say and share to anyone that its your b’day . If you were be here , we can at least spent time together. Even i can plan small party or gathering too. Now your small “motto” earns good salary now. No so much good but figure of amount is that much , where i do shopping thrice in month.

Anyway let me tell you , to be fit like you. I purchased online a watch for me, which can help me to stay fit. At least i hope so, i don’t know for how long duration this will work for me. 

If you were be here , i definitely brought it for you…but no worry , i know you are seeing me from there….

Not only i miss you every time, but look for you and your strong support in every single moment, when you had raise your voice for me. I remind those days when your presence make my every scary moment to strongest one.

  Big star…

 Big star of my life….Missing you a lot….

Can’t Help Myself

I’m not supposed to want you;

I’m not supposed to care,

and yet I spend my time dreaming

of all that we could share.

I’m not supposed to think about you

or wonder where you’ve been,

but no matter how I fight it,

thoughts of you sneak in.

I’m not supposed to ponder

where you are each night,

but you creep into my vision

when the stars shine bright.

I’m not supposed to yearn so,

always wishing you were here,

but I hunger for your kisses,

and I long to draw you near.

I’m not supposed to imagine

where you are and what you do.

I know I shouldn’t cater

to a single thought of you.

I’m not supposed to need you.

I know these things. I do.

And yet I can’t help myself,

because I fell in love with you.

My Cinderella is a lazy crocodile

 I was busy in watching tv while i noticed someone in home, the whole room is dark , as i switch off the lights and even put on curtain, to create cozy environment of cold winters. So i can enjoy my lovely drama alone at home and that too without any disturbance . But now im feeling little bit suspicious and scary at same time, that how can someone be at my home this time. 

 Im totally not that type of careless person, who forget to close doors properly , specially when its Sunday. Sunday is that precious day of my life when i prefer to be stay alone at home and with no pretention of looking good with pazamas all day.

While i was going through this long wave of thoughts and showing how smart i am , i feel like this voice of someone at home is increasing . But see literally i am smart because during this whole process , no effort i put to get up from my comfy sofa and suddenly i see a face of familiar person . At the same time someone screamed loudly in tv show and without a second delay i join the race and shouted loudly and that too on very high level, that person who is none other than him my beloved one,  run towrds me to tightly cover my mouth with his hand. 

But i was scared and angry at same time, so i push him away from me.  I just asked him that how he can inside without any doorbell notification and all and even at that time , he replied softly to me , ” you forgot , i have another key of home”. I sighed in relax but i still furious with him.

He prepared coffee for both us, so that we can relax unnecessary tension between us, which is definitely not required at that time. Because he had no intention to scare me, but i didn’t expect his sudden appearance. 

While having superb coffee i ask him, how he can come without any information and he replied , ” i received your unsaid invitation “. 

Ouch that line is so true that for a second i dont know how to react or it feel directly pass through my heart. But i adjust my all crazy thoughts and said,” what rubbish, there is nothing like that” 

In that moment he just get up from his place and come directly near to me , on my side sofa help me to adjust and sit there and at that i was in situation where we are close to each other but my back is in his shoulder support. I cant describe that moment but it make me dizzy at the same time i feel like i will melt now.

First his lovely gesture where he is able to understand my thoughts too and finally this . ” Yuppy , im flying on cloud of love” . But somehow mange my self and try to lower down the temperature by cracking joke that i didnt take shower today.

And he said, ” I know , that’s why im here and this is reason why i cant arrange date with my cinderella  because she is completely a lazy crocodile”.

Though he called me lazy crocodile but still i love him. He can see twinkling stars in my eyes and with this he kiss on my head, by taking cup from hand and temperature rises.

I try to get up by saying ,” dont be cheesy because im on diet”. Before i can blink my eyes he pull me closure to him and i loose my balance and fall down. Everything was sudden that i cant even realize that i fall on floor.

Damn, I hit floor with so strength that my head is still in pain and my mom run to me from another room as she hear louder noise of falling. She open the door and help me to get back on bed and ask me when i will leav this habits of falling from bed . She was busy in checking my head that is there any serious mark but i was totally in lost condition.

Because i missed a beautiful dream and cant do anything but to just blame those stupid series which im watching this days . This type of situation have no connection with reality.