Jan 3, 2023 : Deep Conversation

Am i the one who is creating disturbance in my own life. Like see what my best friend ashi is struggling with , not having person who can match the vibe that she always wants in her life. But look at me i am the one who is running away from this.

Actually its not so….

I also want to go for party with my friends and family, even want to dance carefree and specially till next day or till my last breath . I would like to taste all dishes , like to dress everyday just like an model and a long drive with loud music where i can sing out loudly too. But everything with in zone of safe n controlled.

I dont want myself to be kept in situation , where i have to face something odd and specially which against my will. Dont want to be part of crowd where any moment they can lose control and strat behaving inappropriately. 

I dont want Weak Moments… i passed through this situation and let me tell you , this kind hangover is so tiring. You need to much strength to overcome this phace of your life. I am a weak person, because last time or i can say my first and last time , gave me a lesson that dont you ever repeat this thing.

I cried over months…it made sleepless all nights. 

The scary dream which i can see from open eyes….and break my aura that I’m a strongest person who can deal with any situation, but never will make any mistake. Specially which happened because of weak moment….

No way…

Not even i want myself to be situation where i feel like being spoiler of party environment . Generally till this moment of my life when i entered in year 2023 , i am clearly aware that , Yes ! It’s me — The party spoiler .

I dont want to eat….

I dont want to play….

I dont want to drink…..

I cant stay out , at this time

I want to go home….

I am not this type person….

I cant talk…..

I have nothing to say….

I am listening…

I dont want click pictures….

I am happy at here.. alone….enjoying own company….

I dont want to get marry… but im seeing people….

I am not settle yet…so I still need some time…

I have not lived my life yet , how I can plan to settle…

Some dues are there….so after that…

I dont want to see any unknown person…not even i can initiate ….nor i can join any ongoing conversation….

I am not the right person for anyone….

I need time to think about it….

Why…..is it me only…or ….I dont know?

I had fight or i can say verbal but extreme argument with the people whom with i can go out . Those people are the only and close one who supports me to do hangouts and do parties, and specially do whatever i want. 

But i messed it up.

I dont know, but every time they keep repeating that what ever im doing right now is not correct. And It will definitely land me  in situation where my all future become insecure. 

They say every time , that i am not and self-depended person. I cant do anything at my own. 

But that  is not true. last from ten year im running behind my dream and always trying to make everything right in my own way. But they dont like it.

I know that they are the one, who never question me for being modern and approaching life in new way, but with this they need solid confirmation that i strictly follow their path and do each step after giving them proper details.

They must be concern about me, but man how its possible, when i even dont know that what would be my next step.

I am totally clueless about my next moment…..

But now what, the time has gone. And thanks to me that i messed it up.

And truly i dont want to make any apology for what ever i have done. Because i need space…at least for sometime.  

So at last i can say loudly and with full of confidence.. That im , because its what i can do with me and my life…

With no regret.

MY REASON WHY

It took me a very long time to discover myself in  a way that I can express myself, my thoughts and visions. Is there anyone reading this? Can I really reach you with my words? Do I make a difference? That remains a question, but I like to try. And this is why : Along the way I found out what works and what doesn’t work for me. I know my low points, my weaknesses  and I know better than anyone how I work.

As I always say, and it is and remains a cliché, treating another as you would like to be treated yourself is the key. Unfortunately, I cannot control how someone else thinks, how they treat me and in what situations that has brought me.

A lot has happened so that I have lost hope often enough, confidence has been damaged and I have often stood on the brink of collapse. Yet with time and awareness I have found my way back and I have kept my goal in mind. I want to show who I am, not how someone else presents me or treats me. I want to help those who have experienced the same thing, I want to help make this world a better place, at least I want to try.

When I was in a worse state, it was always something that was missing. Someone who understood me, who felt what I felt, who could articulate what was going on inside of me, someone who took care of me, someone who could guide me through the search and name of all the chaos inside of me. But when that person was not there, I only had two options, and I chose to fight.

I wanted to discover who I was , what caused my thoughts, my questions and my emptiness, and how I could fill, name and express it, how I could find myself in the chaos, and make the chaos in the world change. I went through a development and growth that I never envisaged until a few years ago.

I am an introvert, I am highly sensitive person, someone with an extra sense , I see, feel and think deeply, intense and often. This has always been something that got in my way, and what I am uncertain about , I feel more vulnerable, because when you feel and experience everything so intensely, it can cause you enormous damage. I learned my lessons in this and formed my vision and passion. I want to help others see and feel that things can be different.

Because it is possible, as long as you are willing to look at yourself with all pure and genuine intentions and to express this.