December 2

Before you demand anything from others, learn to be honest with yourself. Have the courage to accept that you were the one killing all your dreams. So by this year end , i have decided to do what i like most, things which makes me happy. 

     So on this 2 December with full of courage i decided to took part in random party , which have something like open theater and after party along with one of my friend because individual would be not good choice. But as always it turned out completely different that what i thought.

Deep down you always know what’s best for you, you can sense when to leave a person or place because you are just being used, you realize when you did wrong and when you were wronged yet just stay in your comfort zone and keep things as they are, your brain will play tricks on you. You will make great excuses to convince yourself not to start working, give a another chance.

  Because nothing happened as i imagined like to meet new person, spend time in different environment , create new memories. Yes memories, i created but that too of non stop blaming game that why it turned out this way with me.  

 My friend had some work that day , so we have been late at there around nine something and the first thing we encounter was nothing but a completely different zone. weird thoughts of being alien at there. Like we are thirties  and seeing twenties kids there. 

 But we acted like , nothing matters to us. We were just here to enjoy so keep going. But the first game they invited us to take part  “truth & dare”. With bit of hesitation and by silent consent to each other we just go with the flow. But just after a moment we become speechless. 

   There “truth task” includes relationship question and “dare” is to propose someone. And i opted is to “RUN”.

 Other activity was there is of  open theater . So i sighed and thought now everything would be on track. The selected movie is  Rockstar . My friend is not okay with this, as she have already watched it many times. She told me that its 2012 movie and thanks to my decision at last in year 2023 im watching it finally. Let me tell you that im not a movie person but at that time it was still okay for me. though i watched only half part.

 My main focus was to be there and to meet new people, but here also i disappointed my self and could not make effort to communicate even to person. There was a person who just sitting next to me on same bench but i cant make any effort. And the whole movie ended like this.

Stand tall against the lies your brain might want to throw at you. You will meet enough people in your life who will say one thing but their actions won’t match. You will meet a lot of people who are going to lie you. While you cannot control how others treat you, you can learn to be honest with yourself. 

Then at last i thought food would be good , but here they disappointed me . 

Dance , my whole survival is because of dance, so i thought this is point where i can feel proud about myself. at least with this activity i can enjoy and for sometime can forget everything what is going on in my life at present . The one activity which can help you heal your inner pressurize person. But with great disappointment i have to say that my friend dont like to dance, so i couldn’t . 

So with full of courage at one thirty of night we decided to get back to our home. That last no made me so powerful that i dont care we were girls and with taking risk with google direction decided to leave  place at this darkest hours of night . 

When we left the place everything was good and with attitude of bold females ever. But soon after we stared driving our whole thoughts get change. Because the road was totally dark and no one was there. and my friend was kept saying that she is scared and asking me how im feeling. But at that time i acted strong and says that whatever would be scene but will keep going , rather than my inner self was so scared and praying to GOD .

  Than after effort of half n hour approx. we find main road to city but again with good luck , it started raining heavily. But we were not in any situation to stop anywhere because of risk and time. So we decided to look for hotel , so in December month we can save ourselves.  

We are girls who never booked hotel in day time but circumstances turned out where we have to find hotel at this hours. Finally we find one hotel , but let me that scene was too memorable because when we reached hotel , even staff was sleeping . So when we knock them they all were glaring us like we had committed any crime.  

   Not even they but my inner soul was also in shock that what i have done. But soon after when we enter in our room i get relaxed because that’s how i am always . Completely messy n confused. 

There was tornado of thoughts, that why i have done this all. Can’t i be more practical to face the situation rather than running away from there. How would explain to mom and dad or its better to hide this all from them. But it wouldn’t be a good choice because they trust me a lot. How would i erase this all from mind . Because this is something which i should not done. This kind risk could end me in bad situation .

  I completely trying to get relaxed at the moment but mind was against that . It kept me busy with different thoughts without any break just one after another.

We are always busy like this. One task after another. One thought after another. One visual after another. The cycle never ends. We never take a pause to reflect on who we are becoming, what we are losing, what we are thinking, or what our thought process is. When you are just taking outside information without thinking about what you are consuming, you end up doing , thinking and becoming like surroundings . And then you complain about why you are like this.

Forgot- beauty you are made of

You are not your age,

Nor the size of clothes you wear,

You are not a weight,

Or the colour of your hair,

You are not your name,

Or the dimples in your cheeks,

You are all the books you read,

And all the words you speak,

You are your croaky morning voice,

And the smiles you try to hide,

You’re the sweetness in your laughter,

And every tear you’ve cried,

You’re the songs you sing so loudly,

When you know you’re all alone,

You’re the places that you’ve been to,

And the one that you call home,

You’re the things that you believe in,

And the people that you love,

You’re the photos in your bedroom,

And the future you dream of,

You’re made of so much beauty,

But it seems that you forgot,

When you decided that you were defined,

By all the things you’re not.

Friday afternoon thoughts

 Though im too much depressed and alone right now specially when in afternoon time,  im at office place surrounding by number of people. But what can you do , sometime you become so incapable to control your own thoughts. 

   Weekends make me dull and frustrated, but this is Friday . Around 2 in afternoon i started to count my insecurities toward life. Things im scared to do , specially to be surround by people where i keeps on counting my failures . Start remembering every decision which took me to three steps back in life. That how i turned out to be  loser with zero financial stability , zero planning for future , and moreover no love life .

But thanks to our office policies where on Friday and Saturdays we are allowed to play music with work…

    “Never thought that you could fall for someone like me…..”

I’m too optimistic person who can live with positive attitude and at the same time i can make it more beautiful by reminding good moments in dreadful situation . Last from three days im feeling very depressed , specially about this , and when I’m not able to do any kind of productive things. 

This song keep me indulging in reminding that beautiful moments which i had in my past life . Just like any movie scene those moments give me vibes that im not that boring, but it just my lack of potential who cant let this to become my reality.

But that’s okay at least i can rejoice moments in this Friday noon… when no one have idea why im feeling so much relaxed  and at the same time blushing little bit. 

    Even in my wildest dream…i didn’t become reality of some one

A fairy tale evening when there’s raining outside and we were sitting under shade and chain of small fairy lights were blinging just above our head . Those all light chains are taking twist in such a way that its all coming directly from dark sky. 

      This same song was playing on music system and at that time it was so relatable , that every pair ( actually there were three more couple their at same place) can directly relate to this so i was also. I was not aware about that person who was sitting in just front of me. but i was completely in different aura. 

Than restaurant staff arrange candles on every individual table and let me tell you that were aroma candles . That lavender fragrance put me in situation , where I start imaging for proposal scene. If there would be any possibility of my imagination to become true than this would be the best proposal ever. 

A restaurant on bank of river with slow rain droplets and finally fairy lights with music and fragrance. What else you needed to say yes to any person. Actually yes you needed something more. 

The person , who can give you proposal.

 I had every possible scene in my life and that too number of time…like meeting person in truly romantic environment…

Night walk by holding hand on slippery road in  small droplet rain ..

Bike ride in when its raining heavily …

Sitting and walking alone in dark nights…fairy tale setups but not a one scene turned out to be reality…

I didn’t feel we could be together….

   Wait , why this dark night become suddenly so bright and loud. O yes music stops and so that my thoughts too. And please my dear thoughts stop troubling me , i have to work ….

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equallu lay

In Leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Tow roads diverged in a wood, and I–

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I’m the kind of girl

Who is quiet in large groups or around

people I don’t know; you only see the real

me if we’re close. I smile and laugh a lot

especially at the most inappropriate times.

   I’m a hopeless romantic.

I trip over air, up stairs and over 

people’s feet. I am the hardest person to

offend, but it is all too easy to make me

feel horrible. I hate telling people about

my problems; they don’t need

      to worry about me.

I’m the one who listens to other people’s 

problems. I believe people should not be

judged before one takes the time to get to

   know them, yet I am guilty of doing

        that exact thing.

I love to think rather than talk.

I’m awkward, clumsy, shy, starnge….

  but this is me. Take it or leave it.

A House of My Own

Not a flat. Not an apartment in back. Not a man’s house. Not a daddy’s . A house all my own. With my porch and my pillow, my pretty purple petunias. My books and my stories. My two shoes waiting beside the bed.

Nobody to shake a stick at. Nobody’s garbage to pick up after.

  Only a house quiet as snow, a space for myself to go, clean as paper before the poem.

Take Yourself on Date

Learn how to truly be yourself; go to lunch, get coffee, go and watch a movie, alone and understand that there is no
need to feel lonely . Take it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Fall in love with yourself and
romanticise everything you do. The way your voice changes when you ask a shopkeeper, cinema attendant,
waiter or any other person of vague authority for something. The way you bite the inside of your cheek when you are nervous.
They way you feel the heat in your cheeks rising with the cool sides of your hands.
Become enamoured with the little habits and idiosyncrasies that are only noticed by someone who loves you.

What I Would Tell You

To you, love was about multitudes.

To me, love was inordinate.

       I love you, I would say.

       How much? You would ask.

I couldn’t find the words to answer you then.

But they have found their way to me since. And this is what I would tell you.

I would blanket the world in utter darkness; I would pull back

the veil of light and reveal to you, a blinding crescendo of stars.

I would drain all the seas and ask you to count-  one by one- every

grain of sand that clings to the ocean floor.

I would tally the beat of every human heart that has echoed since

the dawn of our becoming.

And as you look in awe at the sheer magnitude of my admission,

I would take your hand in mine and tell you; if only you had let

me, this is how much I could have loved you.

Pain

The pain will hold on gently

As you move throughout your day

You’ll try to shake it softly

But quickly learn it wants to stay

It lingers in the corner 

It follows you around

Juts when you think you’ve lost it

You learn no solace can be found

So here’s a trick, I’ve learned a few

For me and pain, we’re good old friends

And pain’s afraid of love, you see

Because love, it always mends

So openup your eyes a bit

Inhale deep and strong

Look for the twinkle of loves presence

That surrounds you all day long

It could be here, it could be there

A thought, a mile, a gift

Look for the love in every moment

And your pain will start to shift

Just start small, and whynot now

Find something good to think of

Pain will shy away, you’ll see

When what you focus on is love

And bit by bit , you’ll chip away

At that old block you now call pain

And when you’re finished chipping

You’ll find that pain has a new name

When I run after what I think I want

When I run after what I think I want

My days are a furnace of distress and anxiety;

If I sit in my own place of patience,

What I need flows to me,

And without any pain.

From this I understand that

What I want also wants me,

Is looking for me

And attracting me;

When it cannot attract me

Any more to go to it,

It has to come to me.

There is a great secret

In this for anyone

Who can grasp it.