I was running , very fast and regularly without paying attention to where i am heading too. But just going and going for one more mile with a never ending search of real me . But i never know that i would never ever able to find, because i loose it in beginning.
I was the culprit and at the same time victim too but never realize that what i have done is never ever give me chance to restore it back on first phase.
At very first when you are in phase of hurry to make everything perfect . You become so involved in yourself that never get a single moment to realize that it would never be the same . There would be definitely a time when you regret for everything.
And let me mention here , that i completely accepting everything . I am here accepting my fault of making every bad decision for myself. I can take complete charge of things that no other person is here responsible for my current stage . Its me always who was so indulge in creating a picture perfect frame that today i cant even recognize me, that how beautiful and real everything was.
I regret from my steps and decisions.
I never considered myself , never ask that is that what i asked for .
Never took out time for my own. I was so confident with every drawn lines that never pay attention that it someday it will become complete prison for me. I was so busy in creating perfectionist that never try to accept reality of life. Because reality is in being natural and that was my biggest mistake ever.
I picked up my phone when the ringer tune buzzed loudly on it.
” Hey , i get my bus and i’ll call you later.” this line i hear from other side on my cellphone .
“Ok good and have safe journey” that was all i can reply in that short span of call. Everything passed in so hurriedly that , nothing else popup in mind at that time.
But i think i was wishing to say something else, like ” Please dont go , i care about you . I love your presence and specially I Love You.”
And i want to hear same thing from you that ,” you do have same place in your life for me as i have.”
You care about me always .
“Together we spent some good days and some amazing moments.”
You were busy in packing your bag and i noticed that you have decided to left me here alone again . We were so busy these days that i didn’t even pay attention that this time you stay longer than other days. I think these days were so pretty that i forgot complete that one day you have to go again and i will be left all alone here just like my random days.
When you touched your bag than i come to know that we are not like normal other couple who stay away occasionally but we are more occasionally stayed up together.
Please dont feel offended but i start to like my aloneness. I fall in love with this. Because here i feel more self loved person when you are not around. Its like we walk together in night to walk up together in morning.
Now i find reason that why time passed so fast, its not because i enjoyed it but because i want it to end as soon as possible. So when you were not around i can be me again.
I want to apologize that im saying this ,” But truly you irritate me every time for every single thing” . How you can be so depended on me when we are always stayed up on distance and just like me you have to do all your routine task by your own. Than why every minute when you are here , i become your caretaker person.
My all peaceful palace become war zone, because when i can hear is all your voice , calling me every time to do things for you. Tide up your bed and than your clothes making food for you arranging schedule for you , but not a single time i can expect anything from you.
My whole day just become a race zone where i keep on running without reaching anywhere. You dont even take a moment to ask me, how my life is going on. How i am passing my days and what are the thing which kept me busy these days.
You never bother to ask me, ” Are my days are going good?”
You never feel my presence and never ask me, ” is something good about my life too?”
“Hey bring my towel from roof, i forgot it there”, this line broke my silent conversation and i run towards terrace and hurriedly hand over your towel to you. You just took it from hand without any eye contact.
Ziped up your bag and sit in drawing room area. I thought you have some time left for cab arrival ,so prepared coffee for both of us, sorry i forgot to ask . As when i call you for coffee and move cup towards you , ” i dont want it now” the only response i received from your side.
I feel bit awkward to ask you again , as you look so busy with your cellphone.
For fifteen minutes we were both sitting in same room , but with complete silence and finally silence broke with call of cab person from outside and you just blink your eyes and left the room without waiting for any response.
What all i can do is to just sit there in same pose with full of silence but completely self oriented environment .
“Raining heavily ” not sure that only outside or within me too.
Its twelve noon but feel like six in morning , due to heavy rainfall . I cant decide that do i like it or it just any other time of year which feel me like , just let it pass with ease without any new stress point. But some time things are not in your control. For me it never in control. Whatever i make plan or take little bit of steps for executing something new .life gift me a new level of stress task .
Every day and at every new moment i decide that lets not destroy this situation and try harder one more time to do something different , may be this time it turned out to big turning point for me. But every time i get disappointed with same result.
It feel like whenever i made effort to put behind this bar ,the cage which is created by my own life , it get more and more sturdy and strong. I know that some time earlier i made this prison by my own but now im at that stage where i want to get free. I want my freedom which i never had.
But this every drop of water which is falling on road , giving me lesson that i should not wait for any more day and just walk up now and make this moment memorable for lifetime.
How i can feel lazy and restless even after seeing this beautiful droplet which have very tiny lifecycle even with full of hope and with full courage of giving new life .
May be somewhere a person with the same hope and courage is waiting for me too. who is ready to accept me as i am and with his positive vibes i get the energy to fly high just like bird . The bird who can put all bar prison behind.
Even in the heavy rain , he comes like shining star and hold my hand drag me towards him. I would be with him under his umbrella which is of clear transparent and provide visibility to see high in sky , the falling drops of water.
When he hold my hand and with his warm appearance i get the courage to walk in rainfall. We do not exchange any word but our silence is on peak of conversation.
That moment doesn’t need any confirmation and without any fear of judgement by world i can walk freely with him. I can feel every single moment and feel every word like:
TAKE MY HAND.
WE WILL WALK
WE WILL ONLY WALK
WE WILL ENJOY OUR WALK WITHOUT THINKING OF ARRIVING ANYWHERE.
Friday noon when everything is so calm , no hurry for pending work as im relaxing while having thought , ” chill, its Friday today and tomorrow you have don’t have working schedule like weekdays”. I know i live here, where you want Saturday as weekend day , but sometime you have to work more than usual day . Generally my weekdays are more hectic than usual days. But i like the way it is.
So today i take appointment to spend time with me. Time that is for me only. Even nature wants me to have leave today , because see the sky its full of black clouds and the air breezes are on peak , just like they want to enter my premises and ask me to open the all doors even to of my mind and heart.
Sitting alone in my office room while enjoying scene of cloudy sky , i just cant stop my self to sharing that im very much relaxed right now.
Felling soulful just like this picture.
Watching outside window with slow sound music and a cup of tea, it feel like a therapy. Who want to miss this kind of beautiful life. Though im dealing with total mess kind life but still , if you can skip some time with this relaxing aura than its acceptable sometime.
” Dear diary, I love my life”, this pattern reel i had watched last night while scrolling Instagram. and touchwood im really enjoying my life. Life which have balance , sometime fully mess and sometime best then everything.
You cant control your life , like cant force it to be in a picture perfect frame. But if you try you can enjoy every moment of life and specially even after cringe day. Im too going with same phenomena.
Last from a month , every night pass like a mess . A end of day with so many unanswered question but with every morning it become bright and shining because i never drag those questions to next day.
Like why to go with same thing again and again just keep on finding new every time.
And let me tell you morning sunrise and walking meditation therapy working for me. Those beautiful scenes make me to thank my life that its not even that bad, which im hoping about to be. Everyone have problem and im dealing with different than others , so its difficult for everyone to understand others.
But let the life flow like a river, dont try to limit it , dont force it just enjoy every aspect . Because next day it wont be the same.
So it doesn’t matter that you have someone there with you , who can understand your problem or can tell you every time that you are doing your best, rather than start saying it by yourself. Why to wait for someone, be your own hero.
Start pampering yourself, start caring for your own , nurture yourself.
So spending time with my own make me feel that im own dating myself. because i need it , just like others.
From morning i feeling very low and depressed , and i feel like i cant even move a bit. I want a sleep which continue till all this not passed. Just like after heavy rain all get relaxed and beautiful , im deadly want this feeling to end permanently . Because im no loner able to continue with all this heavy burden . you cant call it morning weakness because its not only in morning but every evening when every where is complete silence , specially when i can hear my own breath too . And this all mess drag me to next day till i get busy in my day to day routine.
In every evening i sum up all my work max to max at nine in night. Than im completely free but no sleep in eye , specially when i never take a small nap in full day. I know that i dont follow any kind of heavy physical hardwork, which can help me to sleep early.
I only mentally tired at everyday, and i think its not sufficient enough to let you sleep easily.
While walking alone on my terrace , i can feel cool breeze but its not that level of chilling environment as its generally in march month of year , heat on peak level, as i can feel .
May be this is because , i don’t have other things to feel other than summer. I can feel it on high preference , due to home alone activity.
Though i have started new habit of watching channel like bbc earth, national geographic, wild and history channel. I think its good to watch this kind of channel , as finally something which kept you busy by developing as knowledgeable person. where you seek to watch more and more good interesting details.
So this new major distraction technique of having eye on animals activity keep me indulge in things but ultimately its just a tv show . So you cant watch more than a limit on a day. Just after its get dark outside , i feel like I’m suffocating inside house.
So as i get time, i just run to my roof garden where i can take walk of around one to two hours.
But this “missing someone” thoughts , never left me alone any where.
With every footstep im trying to remember good old memories, which can bring good sleep to my eyes. Which can relax my inner soul and calm down my head , who keeps on rolling bad and harsh scenes only.
Walking and walking its not enough , i need some kind of company for my feet’s . So they can walk with some ease and answer is music.
So i just kept out phone from my pocket, and with this i try to remember those lyrics which heard on one of friend Instagram feeds .
Instagram features , old songs and with beautiful pictures.
ग नि ग, रे ग रे सा रे ग म ग म ग रे,
रे ग रे नि ध प म प रे ग ध प ग म ग रे, ध नि ग, रे ग, ग म…
क्यूँ हम बहारों से, खुशियाँ उधार लें
क्यूँ ना मिल के हम ही
खुद अपना जीवन सवार लें
तू जो मेरे पथ में, दीप उगा ले
हो उजाले, तो बंदगी हो जाए सफल…
तू जो मेरे सुर में…
म ध नि सा, म ग रे सा, नि ग ग, सा रे रे, नि सा सा
ग रे सा नि ध म, ग सा ग म ध नि सा…
तू जो मेरे सुर में, सुर मिला ले
संग गा ले, तो ज़िन्दगी हो जाए सफल
तू जो मेरे सुर में…
While humming with song, i realiaze that lyrics of song are so so beautiful. A song nicely written and beautifully sung.
This song have simple lyrics but with very deep meaning . To which understand as, is we need our loved one to be with us. At every step of life weather its moment of sorrow or happiness, if we have someone with us, than every phase of life become easy.
And every person should understand this deep meaning that success is not in having big house or bank balance but to have family . Family with whom you can live each moment of life and those good moment will make your life successful.
Those were days in my life where i too could walk with so ease by having hand in hand moment specially when we both sing this kind lovely songs together.
Life is full of surprises , like who can say that i can skip birthday of my special one , mine baby niece. I love her so much , always prefer to get some time for her, even if i totally busy. This year on sixth December she is turning five and im not attending birthday party and even its not like that i am busy or i have to complete some specific urgent task. I staying at my home, It just i prefer to stay at home.
I love her so much that on last of her four birthdays i planned special things from my end. even if i was lagging at time or running out at money. And just like other years i planned for this year too but i couldn’t make it possible. As earlier years I already purchase gift for her , which she already collected . we are so connected that as soon as she come to know that i had bought something for her, the very same day she came at my place took all those gift. Actually i love her this attitude , that obvious she can rule my heart, after all she is the only one.
But with this all affection and special love bond, im not attending her birthday party, may be she miss me or may be she will not. How its possible , because she would be busy in dancing, eating , enjoying and specially opening her all gift boxes , and specially she just turn five today , so definitely she cant be able to realize that im not present there.
But with this passing time you should get habitual that you will not be always important in someone life, it would be for very short time. Because with the time everyone is changing and there preferences too. And its definitely not for others , im also changing . I still cant even realize , that today i take this decision to satay at home. where i have full opportunity to go out with mom and dad . So if I was with mom , now i would be eating cake of birthday party or if i opted to go out with dad than i would be enjoying delicious wedding dinner. But i denied both and opted my own company , The Alone one company .
But i think this option is best, because yes im making regret for cake and wedding sweet but at least for coming day i will continue with fresh mind with zero stress . Because last day i attended wedding event too, but neither i enjoyed that environment not the food, specially I had cold and fever last night because of these chilled winter.
Autumn 